Thursday, August 20, 2015.
After Beau's astonishment after sharing with him what I had come to find out, I texted
back and said half joking, yet oddly familiar from a year prior, "Man, I
almost want to email "Betty" (name change, but she is the person in
contact at the agency this girl had been referred to.)
** Side note: The agency that "J" was referred to, is a
different agency than we used. As in, there are two different agencies that are
partnered with this baby home. The one we went through for Carver and Macy was in Iowa. And this agency is in a different state. I had known this gal from all the times I would reach out with pictures on children I spent time with on our trips, to pass on to their families matched with those children.)
....back to it, I
texted Beau saying, "Man, I almost want to email "Betty" and tell her
WE'LL TAKE HER!" Beau waited a while and texted me back, "We'll talk
about it when I get home!!" (Ironically again, we were on our way to
have family (of four) pictures that night, ha!) My mouth fell to the
floor by the way. I expected Beau to say, "Uh. No way!? We just came
home with two kids!?" And in talking to him after, he said he had a big
long text typed up saying "no"/you're crazy ;) - then deleted it and
said "lets talk". Ah! Is that not the Spirit working? His immediate
flesh response was NO. Jesus intervened. Beau
Our night of family pictures continues, my heart and mind, TOTALLY distracted, and semi-nervous to bring it back up to Beau again.
Friday, August 21, 2015.
Well, after talking together, and with Beau's permission, I eventually reached out,
telling Betty that if "J for SOME reason becomes available for adoption again, (not
revealing how I knew, but that I did know!) we would be interested if they
couldn't find a family for her."
I can't explain WHY Beau and I were
united on this. Or WHY we reached out. We were nuts. We weren't looking
to add to our family. Certainly not this soon. Certainly never thought
of an "older" child - and Beau had dreamed of another boy if we ever did
add, so Carver had a wrestling buddy. ;) LOL but no. People, we were
DONE. We were smooth sailing. We were 1,000% content with our family of
four. We had a flawless transition for the kids when they came home. We
have all adoption fees finally paid off from the first go around. Celebrating
with a vacation come December, THAT confident we were done-zo. (See last post for all our reasons to say
NO!)
That Friday morning I reached out,
"Betty" responded almost immediately. She was super kind, super
professional, thanked us for reaching out, of course we knew she
couldn't tell us details if "J" was indeed available, why, or anything.
But we at least had thrown it out there.
August 22-31, 2015
It was
left at that. Thinking, well she can get ahold of us. We later found
out, that she was on vacation that whole next week. Oh the agony. ;)
So the following
week, then Monday, Tuesday went by, and I was going crazy. I mean nuts.
Like the kind of nuts that was happening before Carver and Macy entered
our hearts in a process that wasn't in our timing. I'm telling you, my
mind and heart were steadfastly searching God's word, praying
ceaselessly, seeking wisdom and asking friends to pray for God's will. (SUPER COOL to look back in my prayer journal from these days!)
I
knew something was happening. Praying that He would bring a family to
her SOON. Still thinking it wouldn't be us, because, seriously you guys,
WHY WOULD IT BE US? This was INSANE. But God wouldn't let it go. I kept
telling a few friends, that I could NOT get her off my heart and mind. We shared with Carver that we were praying for a family for "J". He would randomly ask to stop and pray for her. And sometimes, even telling me, "Mom, she can be my sister!?!?"....SO matter of factly, it kinda scared my pants off. We just said we would pray for God to bring her to a family that would love her and love Jesus.
Wednesday, September 2, 2015.
We still heard nothing. I
reached out to a friend and asked her what I should do. Wait to hear
from Betty? Or reach out on Wednesday night to just ask and see what had
happened to "J"? Had she been matched? She encouraged me to reach out
and explain to Betty why we were reaching out, that we were serious
still, etc. it couldn't hurt. ;)
I think I texted
a dozen close friends/family asking for them to pray over the email I sat over,
shaking, and praying over. Then I pushed send, knowing it would be
waiting for Betty first thing Thursday morning. Thursday went by.
Friday, September 4, 2105.
Friday, I received an email (now two weeks after our initial
inquiry). Betty thanked me for reaching out once again, sharing with me how sweet
and amazing it was that we cared so much for J, but that she was in the
process of matching her with her *hopeful* forever family. And also,
that according to the state the agency was in, weren't allowed to match a
child with a family who came home with adopted children within six
months.
So it was a "no" again. The second
time we were shot down. I kept calling out to God asking Him why I kept
feeling as if He was saying she would be ours? But hear "no" over and
over again? This poor lady at the agency probably thought we were just as nuts as we thought we were! Part of me, although unsettled with hearing no again, would
be lying if I told you we weren't the slightest bit "relieved". We
seriously could not get over how crazy this situation was. What were we
thinking?
I continued to ask Him to bring her a family,
take her from my heart and mind, and give me peace.
A friend encouraged
me that sometimes God gives us situations to see if we will obey and say
yes. That sometimes He wants our "yes", but doesn't always need or use
it in that moment or circumstance. But later on He may. For the same
situation or for something different, months or years later. I was at peace with that. I was
also still sorely disappointed. Beau was so good to me in those days. I
was going nuts. Was this all in my head and heart Lord? My desires or
yours? Or WAS THIS YOU? Tell me!
Sunday, September 6, 2015.
That bummer
of a weekend of hearing 'no' again, ended with a timely sermon at church. It was in
Ecclesiastes about making our decisions, little and big, in light of the Kingdom. In light of eternity. Instead of in light of "the world", and
our average of 80 years or so on this earth. Obeying. Even when it
doesn't make sense. Even when it seems crazy. But it makes sense because
that's what Jesus is asking of us.
We left church, and on the way home I told Beau that although I was bummed to hear
"no" again from Betty, it was awesome that "J" was being matched with a
family again. Worst case scenario here was that she would be matched
with a family that wasn't us? That's a pretty awesome worse case
scenario!
I told Beau that I was confident that we gave God our "yes".
We obeyed when it didn't make sense, and people would think we would be crazy for reaching out for a third child, a second adoption, all so soon.
I continued to pray that this family being matched with her would be a family of
believers and love her soooo much. (Previous family to our knowledge
were not believers. I really struggled and wrestled with that for the
year of knowing she was matched. I prayed and told God I knew that my
own children who would grow up hearing the name of Jesus, still may not
choose to follow Jesus. So Lord, I know you can draw her to yourself no
matter what family she was in!)
Tuesday, September 8, 2105.
Monday was
Labor Day. And then Tuesday came, and I knew that my friend "L" was
returning from her two plus trip to Uganda. (She's the founder of the
baby home) I called her to see how the trip went, how the kids and
staff/my friends/sisters were, etc. Eventually she said, "Oh Kendra, did
you hear that "J's" family didn't come to get her? They're no longer
adopting her? That the day before they were to come get her we took J to
get her hair styled for court? And then they didn't come? She was heart
broken."
Ummmmm yes. Yes I did know. But my
heart broke hearing that she was left waiting, all "done up", for the
fourth time, and now knew she would be waiting still. With no family
coming. "L" went on to tell me that she got down in front of J and
told her how sorry she was, but that she knew Jesus would prepare and
bring a new family that loves her so much, soon. Little did "L" know
the turmoil my heart had been in, and that we had contacted Betty twice
to be her new family all the while.
I filled her in all about
our previous two and a half weeks of emails with Betty and prayers over
her, and that we had offered for her to come home to us. :)
I
thought "L" would think we were crazy. That she would gently tell us,
it was a nice gesture (which she did) but that we have Carver and Macy,
that it was soon, that we were crazy (confirming what we already knew to
be true), but she didn't. She told us that she actually needed to call
Betty later in the day to fill her in on her trip, and give updates on
other children that were matched with that agency. She said that if "J"
wasn't matched, she was going to recommend that Betty match J with US.
HOLD THE PHONE. WHAT?!
Although
my hopes were lifted, I reminded "L" that I knew "J" had already been
rematched. And that the agency's state didn't allow us to accept a
referral because we hadn't been home long enough. She said she would
call anyway.
Wednesday, September 9, 2015.
Wednesday goes by. We hear nothing.
Thursday, September 10, 2015.
Either my control-freak self, or a prompting from the Lord, called "L" Thursday morning.
"L" sure enough confirmed what I already knew. "Turns out Kendra, they had
already placed J with another family." (My heart sank, still feeling it
WAS TO BE US, I literally said under my breath, "ok Lord. Another no. I
hear you. I already knew this. But man. It stings still!") she finished with, "but Betty told me
it fell through a couple days ago. And she didn't have a family for her
yet. So I told her I had a family in mind, the Christiansen's!" (Now my
mouth dropped. And heart shot straight back up with hope and shock.) "L" asked about the six month rule, and turns out we totally
misunderstood the email stating that. We were home long enough indeed,
we had received our ruling and placement long before the time line of not being able to proceed. WHAT?!?
And "L" went on to rave about all
the reasons we were capable of taking J in, that C&M would be
familiar to her, her "siblings" once in Uganda, would be waiting for her
when she walked in the door in Iowa, that I had met and stayed at/near the orphanage many times upon my three trips, and even Beau had met her.
We finished our convo. Soon after, "L" texted me, "Congrats!"
I texted her back and said, "oh "L", don't do that to me. Until I hear it from Betty, I have to guard my heart here!"
Her response? "Check your email"
Right then, I heard a "bling", with a new email. It was a forwarded email from Betty, confirming with "L" for the go ahead to contact us, to refer "J" officially with us!
I lost it. Right there on the floor while changing Macy's diaper. I lost it. In that moment, God literally parted the Red Sea of my mind and allowed me to see a slideshow of the last year, and more specifically the last three weeks of heartache and praying and wondering if this was my desire? Or His? And He in that moment confirmed, "it was Me. I wanted your yes. You weren't crazy. Now Trust and obey."
I am forever grateful for how black and white God made it in that moment. I hate gray. And he blessed me with black and white. Grateful that He allowed me to know in certainty that it was Him the whole time. That the constant chorus of "Trust and Obey" hymn that was in my head the last three weeks....was simply preparing us.
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