timeout.

I'm taking a temporary timeout from Africa blogging.
Yah, I know- I made it two days, but it's a night like tonight where God stops you dead in your tracks. No matter what mission trips you take, what fiance that follows Jesus too, what church you go to, or how many prayer journals you can fill up in 'x' amount of time- I'm brought to my knees in front of my Father.

It's a night like tonight where I find myself envious of certain things people have almost super power strengths in- like self control, discipline, etc. It's been a week-ish since being back from Africa and it's incredible how the enemy seeks to destroy. Destroy relationships, self-confidence, self-worth, security, freedom, '__________'- In Christ. Man. It blows.

I memorized John 10:10 while laying in an ant-infested "grass lawn" the one and only blustery, cloudy, rainy day in Africa. It says: the theif came to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

Well that theif, the enemy, as in Satan, got me good tonight. He's gotten me good the last week. The last 7 or 8 years of my life really. It wasn't until I truly accepted this "life" Jesus talks about, Himself, did I begin to understand that I wasn't condemned to a life of guilt, hurt, emptiness, a life full of ZERO self-worth.....there's a million things that attributed to that, but I'm having to be reminded that I am not above any temptation. I'm not above any amount or number of times of committing a sin in the eyes of Jesus Christ. I'm reminded of the story of Joseph in Genesis 39:12 when he ran into temptation and was able to flee from it immediately. I wish I had that strength, I wish I had that fear of God and inner desire that was able to seek holiness over any selfish desire, thought, or action at the drop of a hat- or cloak in his case. The fear of God looks like Genesis 39:9- when Joseph says: "How then could I do such a wicked thing and sin against God?".......his reverence for God is so encouraging. Yet I fail. I fail every single stinkin day in sinning against my holy and perfect God.

So tonight as I drove home in a daze, in my jolly green giant, with no AC, windows down, sweating, blinding everyone with my brights that I absent-mindedly neglected to flick off, tears streaming down my face and the radio quietly playing in the background, not knowing how to talk to God... a song I'd never heard before came on whispering these words:

Praying God can you hear me?
Oh God are you listening?

Am I more than flesh and bone?
Am I really something beautiful?
Yeah I wanna believe, I wanna believe that
I'm not just some wandering soul
That you don't see and you don't know
Yeah I wanna believe, Jesus help me believe that I
Am someone worth dying for

I know you’ve heard the truth that God has set you free
But you think you're the one that grace could never reach
So you just keep asking, oh what everybody's asking

Am I more than flesh and bone?
Am I really something beautiful?
Yeah I wanna believe, I wanna believe that

.....and as I pulled in the garage and zombe-walked down the stairs and crawled in bed..... I began to read a blog I follow and this song is playing on the page, another I'd never heard, the tears kept rolling:

I have a shelter in the storm
When troubles pour upon me
Though fears are rising like a flood
My soul can rest securely
O Jesus, I will hide in You
My place of peace and solace
No trial is deeper than Your love
That comforts all my sorrows

I have a shelter in the storm
When all my sins accuse me
Though justice charges me with guilt
Your grace will not refuse me
O Jesus, I will hide in You
Who bore my condemnation
I find my refuge in Your wounds
For there I find salvation

I have a shelter in the storm
When constant winds would break me
For in my weakness, I have learned
Your strength will not forsake me
O Jesus, I will hide in You
The One who bears my burdens
With faithful hands that cannot fail
You’ll bring me home to heaven

 incredible. don't NOT listen to these...thank you Jesus for your perfect timing in hugging me tight and reminding me that I was and AM someone worth dying for, and so are you.

2 Corinthians 12:9

 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

wow.

I may have to preach and repreach this to myself every single day until I'm called to Heaven, but again, WOW. 

He is good.