This "year".......has been a challenge on all ends. I'm warning you, this post will be a sort of therapy for me, a sort of processing that's well needed....giving glimpses into my thoughts.
The number one thing that has been overwhelming me to tears and frustration and at times even a sense of doubt- has been school. It's the single most challenging, overloaded, time consuming, and largest work load of my college career yet. I'm so thankful that I don't have a job that takes up my nights and weekends right now, because I would go mad. (Ask Beau) I've been a whiny bawl-baby and threatened dropping out. ;)
Something I've been struggling with has been reading the Word everyday. I'm trying to read the Bible through in a year. When I make time to do my daily reading, I LOVE IT. I've NEVER read the Bible all the way through, I barely make it to February before I peeter out. Disgusting. Embarrassing. It's so refreshing, peaceful, and I literally grow THIRSTY for time in the Word and to adequately journal and spend time with my Creator. I hate that I let homework, tiredness, and other stupid time-consuming things get in the way of that. :(
Marriage is an ongoing fight. When I say fight, I mean a fight to keep the devil OUT of our lives. To choose to put Christ first, and to respond, love, act, speak, etc in a manner that honors and glorifies Christ. SO HARD. I'm not at all surprised, and I'm told over and over it's something everyone struggles with. I just continue to pray that God will protect our marriage from all the evil that pursues to destroy marriages. I have a challenge of dying to myself. To love Beau unconditionally- to not overreact or speak in a gross tone of frustration when he lets eggs roll off the counter and shatter all over the floor, or when he takes his socks off and leaves them in that little "ball" to go through the washer, leaves the toilet seat up so I literally- fall in, or leaves every single source of light in our apartment on. My dad, when he does silly things, or frustrating things to us around the house when I lived at home-- would say, "You'll miss that someday when I'm gone and in Heaven." It's so true. SO SO true. I wish I wouldn't so easily fall into frustration, but rather, immediately respond in patience and grace. WHY IS THAT SO HARD.
Something I'm thankful for- two weeks ago in the midst of a worship song at church...I caught myself in this daze. We were in the balcony that morning, which we particularly don't care for because it's so distracting to see the thousand people below. But that morning, my heavenly Father grabbed my attention in such a way that I was standing there with my eyes closed as my life was 'flashing' before my eyes. The past 3-4 years....of all the unfortunate situations I had gotten myself into at one point or another. At that very moment, as hard as it is to describe, I was for seconds experiencing some of those heartaches and sorrows. I was remembering glimpses of these treacherous moments in my heart and in my life that I was crying out to God to save me, to pull me back to Him, wanting more, and finally, the point of giving up and surrendering to him all that I had gotten myself into. Some of the Psalms I had been encouraged to read back then popped into my head- mixed with the worship song playing at hand was almost too much. A FEELING I can NOT describe of overwhelming thankfulness of where the One and ONLY God has brought me and what HE has blessed me with, overcame me that Sunday morning. I long for that feeling again. I'm thankful for those terrible memories that help "pinch" me to reality in who I am in Christ.
Thank you Jesus. For the challenges, the trials, the moments of waiting, and for promising that the uncertain things in life will be for His good, in His time, and I get to be a part of it.
Over and Out. :)