Monday, August 29, 2011

Master of healing broken hearts

Well, to continue the story our great God has been writing through my measly little life-
He really started knocking on my hearts door the summer Steven passed away.
That's been three years now this past summer.
To be honest, I took his death extremely hard. 
I think it had a lot to do with never loosing a grandparent, classmate, let alone a family pet,
had a lot to do with it tremendously effecting the toll it took on me. 
I had never had to dealt with a loss through death, period.
Obviously, never through suicide either.
Never a day after talking and interacting with that person.
Especially, someone I had become extremely close with after moving two hours away to a college with no one I knew.
He had quickly become one of my best friends, one of three of the "Three Musketeers".
Spending all my free time with, long drives, karaoke sessions in the Escalade, McDonald's trips, car breakdowns, snowmobiling, switching cars for weeks on end because I longed to drive a Jeep (for some reason?), girl advice, boy advice, laughing, shopping trips, car shopping, homework help, road trips, you name it.

We became fast friends amidst and beyond our college drinking party days.
He was the life of the party who quite frankly, I saw right through.
Beyond his blonde, hilarious, popular exterior, I began to get to know what was inside Steven.
He had the biggest heart and a longing for love.
This had a lot to do with why he took his life. The inability to see beyond the present heartache he was dealing with.


Following the days of putting the pieces together of his death, funeral service, and collecting your routine life back together, I plumeted into a deeper scene of partying and drinking.
(as if that was possible)
I was ticked at God. I was real mad.
I was ultimately deep down, mad at myself for the lack of the Gospel I had represented, to which I thought contributed to the loss of Steven..."if I had only _______________", I was mad that He allowed Steven to do what he did, I was mad that my life would never be the same, never knowing where Steven's life would have led, mad at Him for taking one of my best friends, mad I didn't get to say goodbye, mad that if I had three wishes, he was never coming back.

The absence of his life in mine was the beginning of my black hole of a heart breaking, shredding, and being torn apart for what God wanted to restore and heal.
He began doing so with a 'boy' I had been involved with, whom I led a completely impure relationship with, and was emotionally and mentally abused through.
After Steven, I clung to him, however it lead to destruction eventually.
A relationship filled with screaming, yelling, name-calling, unfaithfulness on the opposite end, lies, and huge hit to my self-worth and identity.
I was ruined for the sake of "love".

Hind sight, it was the epitome of Jessica Simpson's rendition of "Remember That" and when you see your friends going through a relationship like this you say to yourself, "I would never put up with that", or "I'd get out in a heartbeat."
Pssh.
Well, I should of put a sock in it, because when you're in that situation it's a whole different story.


I was desperate for love, for 'feeling', for a happily ever after, someone who was THERE, someone who understood me, and helped me cope.
None of these things, anyone on Earth can rightly do- it was a job for the Master of healing broken hearts. And now, mine was broken from 'love' AND from the loss of a friend.

It took months for me to 'wake-up'.
I had love blinders on as my dad would say, because I had it ALL wrong.
I used the excuse that we lived together, did everything together from grocery buying, cleaning, working out, going to school together, drinking together, had the same friends, that it would be too hard to walk away.
"God, you're asking too much. I can do this. It isn't that bad. Leave me the heck alone."
I had friends and family back home texting, calling, answering my phone calls at all hours of the night of me sobbing and begging for help out, and what to do, and excuses to make my actions acceptable.
When REALLY, I knew that it was God knocking at my door, saying "Let me in, let me help, give it to me!" All I had to do was walk away, give up the things I thought were filling a void, and helping me cope, and "feel".
Let me tell ya, no alcoholic beverage in high amounts of consumption, any relationship, friend, shopping bag, diploma, grade, job, etc will EVER fill the void that God created only for
HIM TO FILL.

EVER. 

Eventually, I moved out of the house I lived in with that 'boy', I gave up an entire group of friends, the party scene and moved to Michigan for the summer with family that helped me get back on my feet and into the arms of Jesus.
Followed by enrollment at ISU, and The Salt Company to begin the path (the long one with lots of mistakes amongst it) to living a life worth living for Christ- for the one who paid it all, gave the ultimate sacrifice above any 'sacrifice' I thought I was making by having to change my life and lifestyle, and my heart now lives to love the One, the ONLY One who matters.

I fail at it quite often, but I know that living for Him brings so many greater blessings and fulfillment than anything I used to put my hope, joy, and weekly activities into, or any relationship. 

2 Corinthians 12:9

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

Thank you Jesus, for saving me from all my mess, mistakes, for taking me back, taking my grossness, burdens, and shattered heart onto yourself. 
I owe you my life. :)  

5 comments:

Jon and Nicole Sage said...

love it!!!! LOVE you and what God puts us through to follow is all just Grace in disguise I love you Kendra Sue Brekke you're an amazing lady!!!!!

FOUND FREE IN HIM. said...

wow. needed this. thank u for sharing.

Laura said...

Kendra Sue, I am constantly impressed and inspired by your vulnerability. God has definitely given you an amazing story and even though it is a painful one at some points I completely believe he has written it so that you can reach those that are where you were. So many people can relate to your story and see the hope that you have found. Thank you so much for sharing, it was so encouraging to read...I needed this today :)

Jen said...

Wow, Kendra! Thank you so much for sharing so honestly. Though it was painful even to read, it makes the reality of God even more beautiful. I am so encouraged by how you have and are letting Jesus heal you. Keep pressing on to follow Him. And may God continue to use your life and your story for His glory. Love you!

Janel said...

I LOVED, LOVED, LOVED reading this amazing God story of redemption!