(The point of that previous post was to preface what I'm about to describe in this post.)
In 2009, I was okay with sharing my story, because I was willing to expose my life, hurts, sin, struggles to bring glory to God in any way possible for what He has done in my life. Even through the circumstances with my mom- with teenage girls.
In writing this post, I've prayed that it will be respectful and that I am still following the commandment of 'honoring my father and mother', and that my real feelings, emotions, and experiences are being exposed, but for anyone out there who may have been in the same situation, to feel hope and know that God provides, and he promises:
Psalm 147:3- He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
Your story doesn't end. It's not an excuse to follow the cycle. You are still responsible for how you live, your actions, and your words. And if you allow Him, our wonderful Creator wants to walk along side you the entire way. He's the ultimate healer. He provides strength, forgiveness, joy, and a peace that surpasses understanding. Even when you don't understand the life you've been given.
With that being said, a week ago or so?...Beau and I were in the car going or coming home from somewhere. The topic of conversation (as it often is) was looking ahead of when we begin the adoption process, what will we put down as a request for a referral. (The short story: When filling out paperwork for adopting, you have an opportunity to request an age range, gender, sibling group, special needs, etc. Then put on a waiting list to be matched. Something like that.)
Well, we've been sold on the idea of two boys, ages 2-4 years old, and open to sibling groups.
My husband will tell you that I've recently been throwing in my own request to him to start off with a boy and girl for that same age range. I think at first he thought I was joking or being silly or even difficult. We've even prayed for our future "boys", wherever they are right now. This particular night in the car we were going back and forth giving reasons why either idea could be a fit for our family etc. (having both genders may mean needing an additional room in our place, different toys, clothes, hygiene care, etc..... and finally he asked,
"Kendra, tell me the real reason you've changed your mind after all this time?"
I of course, instantly start crying (I told you I have never been a cryer- till recently-jeeeeez) and tell him through a cracked and squeaky voice...that after my entire life of wondering what it is like to have a mother that cherishes, protects, unconditionally loves you and shows/tells you more than a few times a year, desires a relationship with you, prays with/for you, encourages you, be able to go to for advice and wisdom, to not be afraid of, or literally flinch around, and everything else the Hallmark Mother's Day cards say moms do/supposed to do....even if on the opposite end of the relationship- (me being the mother to a daughter) I want that chance to love a little girl and watch her grow and walk with her through every moment of her life I'm blessed with. I want to know that feeling of having a mother-daughter relationship. I want to give her, what I never had.
I've been so blessed to have women in my life that have stepped in through the years, and shown me glimpses or shared their lives with me for me to know the kind of mother I want to be when I'm- all grown up. ;) aka when the Lord leads Beau and I to our children. They have prayed over me/for me/with me, supported, extended wisdom, love, hugs, "I love yous"... and just their presence in my life.
So, Julie, Lisa, Tracey, Jill, Danelle, Jodi, and Wanda...thank you for the love you have shown me, for believing in me, the simple things- like asking how my day was, and being a wonderful example of a mother and her love for her children. I literally ask God that he would give me the strength to be half a mother (to boys, girls, or both- :) ha!) you all have been to yours, and in one way or another- to me as well. I love you.
I don't think God is done writing my story, not even close. To Him be the glory.
Even if my (father) and mother abandon me, the LORD will hold me close.
Teach me how to live, O LORD. Lead me along the path of honesty, for my enemies are waiting for me to fall.
Do not let me fall into their hands. For they accuse me of things I've never done and breathe out violence against me.
Yet I am confident that I will see the LORD's goodness while I am here in the land of the living.
Wait patiently for the LORD. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the LORD.
** I'm choosing not to go into great detail of the relationship I don't have with my mother at this current time. If you have any questions, comments, or wisdom you would like to ask or offer, please see my Contact Us page, and feel free to email me. I will continue to convey my feelings and experiences in a genuine, honest, humble, and respectful way as much as possible.