It's hard. It's really, really, really hard.
It's hard for the obvious things, the things that will be life-lasting. It's hard for the small reasons, you or I may never have thought about.
It's hard due to the loss and trauma my children have had in their short lives, not just losing biological family, but the care takers that tended to them for most of their lives in the orphanage.
It's hard because the loss doesn't stop there. It continues as my children lose their culture, their language, climate, their sights/smells/sounds/feels of their world as they know it, etc.
It's hard to fund an adoption. Everyone knows, it's a pretty penny just to give an orphan a home. Yes it's unjust, unfair, ridiculous, but that doesn't change the plight of the orphan.
It's hard because it's long. Some processes are longer than others. But let me tell you, it's long. Domestic, adoption through foster care, international, you name it. It takes stupid long. It's like waiting for Christmas, longer than just the 365 days. I love Christmas. That's hard enough.
It's hard because in our case, it asks you to be taken out of your comfort zone and familiarity. I'm sitting in a foreign country right now. My sleep schedule is all jacked up. The heat wears a girl out. I'm away from my husband, my best of friends, my church body, my family. There's a 9 hour difference for communicating. I'm away from familiar food, means of travel, hygiene, etc. I'm charged more, for anything you can think of, because of having lighter skin. There's a language barrier. It's exhausting trying to constantly reword, rephrase, repronounce/enunciate, and trying to decipher what others are also saying. (have you ever experienced that? My goodness, my brain is often mush.) You constantly get stared at because of your skin tone. Everywhere you go. You get double stared at when you look like me and have two African children with you as well.
It's hard to get used to a new culture. A new way of life. A new way of 'work'. A new way of 'timing'. Things don't run the same in a 3rd world country, believe it or not. It's hard having to be "on top of everything' when you're paying people to do that, because it's their job.
It's hard because ALL THE WHILE- we are fighting for the little souls that now call me Mommy/Mama. (Beau, daddy/baba.)
It's hard. I know complaining isn't flattering. So if it comes off as this, I'm sorry. I also, want to try to put to words the reality of things you DON'T see or think about when you know someone adopting. Beyond the adorable and beautiful children. The pictures. The excitement of an airport welcome home. Etc. In the thick of it.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Real life:
The kids are learning to trust. Learning to let me love them. Learning to love. Learning what it's like to be in a family. Trying to get used to the new environment of the guest house, which we'll be leaving- oh boy. Trying to learn a routine. Trying to get used to authority and structure. Mom is trying to learn all of this too, being a first time mom. Mom is trying to learn GRACE and PATIENCE. Trying to soak up wisdom. How to discipline. How to ask for forgiveness when I blow it. Trying to look past the behaviors, the UPS and downs, the HIGHS and the really low lows, and see the heart of the children, crying out for the way God intended it. The way He, sees me. The way HE fathers, loves, forgives, extends grace, to me.
It's so taxing. I'm ready to be home. I'm ready to be with my other half, the partner in all of this. I'm ready to be back with familiar territory. "In my realm". I'm ready to be done with all the waiting. All the road blocks. Today, I'm just tired. There are plenty of joys and smiles and laughs too. Just trying to take it all in, process, and give it to Jesus.
It's in this, I realize how weak I am. Over and over again. (I've realized it several times before, and will continue to.) I'm so pathetic and helpless. I rely so much on ME and others, that it's exhausting. That's not the way it's meant to be. I know that. My heart knows it, my heart knows to TRUST the Lord with all my heart, soul, strength, and mind. I know that because of the Holy Spirit, I CAN have patience, grace, self-control, love, gentleness. Yet, when the going gets tough, what comes out when I'm really "squeezed"? It's not great. My patience runs thin with myself, with God, with Beau, with the kids. I allow circumstances to decide how my attitude will be.
Man oh man. Jesus help me. I know you don't leave or abandon me. I know you're enough. I know you are with me.
There's my venting, processing, 'thought's, for now.
It's hard for the obvious things, the things that will be life-lasting. It's hard for the small reasons, you or I may never have thought about.
It's hard due to the loss and trauma my children have had in their short lives, not just losing biological family, but the care takers that tended to them for most of their lives in the orphanage.
It's hard because the loss doesn't stop there. It continues as my children lose their culture, their language, climate, their sights/smells/sounds/feels of their world as they know it, etc.
It's hard to fund an adoption. Everyone knows, it's a pretty penny just to give an orphan a home. Yes it's unjust, unfair, ridiculous, but that doesn't change the plight of the orphan.
It's hard because it's long. Some processes are longer than others. But let me tell you, it's long. Domestic, adoption through foster care, international, you name it. It takes stupid long. It's like waiting for Christmas, longer than just the 365 days. I love Christmas. That's hard enough.
It's hard because in our case, it asks you to be taken out of your comfort zone and familiarity. I'm sitting in a foreign country right now. My sleep schedule is all jacked up. The heat wears a girl out. I'm away from my husband, my best of friends, my church body, my family. There's a 9 hour difference for communicating. I'm away from familiar food, means of travel, hygiene, etc. I'm charged more, for anything you can think of, because of having lighter skin. There's a language barrier. It's exhausting trying to constantly reword, rephrase, repronounce/enunciate, and trying to decipher what others are also saying. (have you ever experienced that? My goodness, my brain is often mush.) You constantly get stared at because of your skin tone. Everywhere you go. You get double stared at when you look like me and have two African children with you as well.
It's hard to get used to a new culture. A new way of life. A new way of 'work'. A new way of 'timing'. Things don't run the same in a 3rd world country, believe it or not. It's hard having to be "on top of everything' when you're paying people to do that, because it's their job.
It's hard because ALL THE WHILE- we are fighting for the little souls that now call me Mommy/Mama. (Beau, daddy/baba.)
It's hard. I know complaining isn't flattering. So if it comes off as this, I'm sorry. I also, want to try to put to words the reality of things you DON'T see or think about when you know someone adopting. Beyond the adorable and beautiful children. The pictures. The excitement of an airport welcome home. Etc. In the thick of it.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Real life:
The kids are learning to trust. Learning to let me love them. Learning to love. Learning what it's like to be in a family. Trying to get used to the new environment of the guest house, which we'll be leaving- oh boy. Trying to learn a routine. Trying to get used to authority and structure. Mom is trying to learn all of this too, being a first time mom. Mom is trying to learn GRACE and PATIENCE. Trying to soak up wisdom. How to discipline. How to ask for forgiveness when I blow it. Trying to look past the behaviors, the UPS and downs, the HIGHS and the really low lows, and see the heart of the children, crying out for the way God intended it. The way He, sees me. The way HE fathers, loves, forgives, extends grace, to me.
It's so taxing. I'm ready to be home. I'm ready to be with my other half, the partner in all of this. I'm ready to be back with familiar territory. "In my realm". I'm ready to be done with all the waiting. All the road blocks. Today, I'm just tired. There are plenty of joys and smiles and laughs too. Just trying to take it all in, process, and give it to Jesus.
It's in this, I realize how weak I am. Over and over again. (I've realized it several times before, and will continue to.) I'm so pathetic and helpless. I rely so much on ME and others, that it's exhausting. That's not the way it's meant to be. I know that. My heart knows it, my heart knows to TRUST the Lord with all my heart, soul, strength, and mind. I know that because of the Holy Spirit, I CAN have patience, grace, self-control, love, gentleness. Yet, when the going gets tough, what comes out when I'm really "squeezed"? It's not great. My patience runs thin with myself, with God, with Beau, with the kids. I allow circumstances to decide how my attitude will be.
Man oh man. Jesus help me. I know you don't leave or abandon me. I know you're enough. I know you are with me.
There's my venting, processing, 'thought's, for now.
1 comment:
Hi Kendra - I found your blog when doing a google search for what turned out to be your twitter handle! My name is Kendra too, and I'm also pursuing adoption (also as Plan A) so I've been following your blog for awhile and am finally commenting because it seems like you need a "Hang in There!" You're in a really tough spot just being in a foreign country across the ocean where you obviously stand out and you have to focus so hard on every conversation, then add in being a new mom (without new dad to help), oh my goodness, I'm so impressed you're even managing to blog! (And whoa your flights sounded nightmarish - helped me put a rough flight yesterday in perspective). I know it's really hard right now, but hang in there. This soon will pass. And when your kids are older they're going to want to know about what happened in Africa, so it's nice you're writing bits down as I imagine it's all going to be a blur not too long from now. Keep it up mom!
-Other Kendra
Post a Comment