Monday, November 2, 2015

The (really) ugly truth.

*** edit: this post was taken down during our in-country process for safety and security issues. Therefore the date published shows the date I am republishing.

The ugly truth is just how much I DO NOT have it together. 

+ I know it's incredible that we get to have another daughter in our family. 
+ It's soooo neat that we are adding to our family, reuniting, three children who lived together as family for several years. 
+ We are so honored and feel extremely blessed that God even considered us to be her parents. 
+ We LOVE miss Jo, already. Like so much. We talk about her constantly, the "I can't wait for______", the dreams for the future, etc. 

But here I am. Sometimes sulking. A whole lot of distrust, worry, anxiety, panic, dread even, taking over. And it's all for selfish reasons. (Fully aware!)  

My post a couple posts back about obeying even when you don't want to? Even when you find yourself content with where life was? I was totally onboard then. And here I am. Struggling with the continued "yes", the yesses that still have to be said and comitted over and over again. Here I am, still stiff-arming something so good. 

But it's also hard. 
- It's hard seeing the strain on me, and Beau. 
- It's hard seeing your bank account literally drain and plummet in a couple of weeks. 
- It pulls on your heart strings hearing your little boy ask every day when mommy will bring his big sister home. 
- It's excruciating to think about being away from Beau, Carver, and Macy when I go back solo. 
- It's terrifying to look ahead at the work that needs to be done, the fight for Jo's heart, her life, (attaching and bonding). 
- I get tears in my eyes, and maybe get a little Grinchy, when someone brings up, or I think about being away from my family, friends, husband, children (and their first Christmas), the lights, music, 'cheer in the air', of Christmas. I love Christmas. Guys, love. 
- I get a wee testy when I question, "Really God? You're making us do this again? Already? We were content! We just got done! I have to be away from my family, go through the stress and heartache- AGAIN?"

Ooooooh boy.
Real ugly. (My heart) 

I know I'm allowing Satan to steal my joy. I know this is what he's out to do: steal, kill, and destroy. I know he will use anything/ big and small to distract me from being joyful, thankful, distract me from the glory of the King and all He has in store for us. All that He's done FOR us. Satan HATES adoption.  

I don't mean to complain, but I do feel that I need to be upfront with the yuck that goes on in my heart and mind. That I throw pity parties. I struggle. Daily. That I let Satan have my heart in moments, rather than the King of Kings. Not that it takes away how much we love Jo. Or that we aren't freaking EXTATIC about getting her home!!! I am still SUCH a sinner. I am NOT a good person! 

I just don't want to go through the heartache.  Or the wait. Or the vulnerability. Or being alone in a foreign country again. Or missing out on everything at home.
I don't want to go through the refiners fire again. (Which is probably one of the reasons why He wants me to. ;) ha!) 

What all that really means- the root of it? 
I don't want to trust God. 
I don't want to be uncomfortable. 
I don't want to live OUT the gospel. 

Because God sent his ONLY son, to a foreign land, by himself, to do the unfathomable. Jesus, away from home, perfection, His Father. God set out to adopt us, his enemies, to ADOPT us to be sons and daughters, if we accept the greatest gift (uh, the reason FOR Christmas!?) He's ever given us- when we certainly did not deserve it. 

To be mocked, beaten, crucified. 
For. Me. 
For. You. 

So I may trip and fall, I may ooze grossness (with arms full of Grace and Florgiveness just waiting for me to come back and give it to Him), but I will continue to say yes. And I need to ask for eyes to see, ears to hear, the beauty of what is to come, after the "how hot Lord? How long Lord?", of the refiners fire. 

When beauty comes from those ashes. 

We're coming Jo. You are worth every bit of it. We can't wait to see you in LESS THAN A WEEK.

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