Friday, December 23, 2011

night owl

nights are my favorite.
real late ones.
when everyone else is sleeping-wherever i am in this world.

i've always been a night owl.
dad says ever since i was a little one i would be up late into the night,
that i was always too concerned about 'missing out'- so i was always up mulling around and enjoying my quite time and time to myself after everyone else was 'out'.

like in africa, as an insomniac-- in my tent, with the wild dogs barking and beating each other up.
or in jamaica, laying in a super awesome where-i've-gotten-my-best-sleep-ever, king-sized bed.
on the couch.
driver's seat of my car.
you name it.

it's where most of my thoughts come crashing into each other.
it's where most of my best ideas come from. (for what- i don't know?)
it's where i write the clearest.
it's when i make lists. (mmm, lists)
it's when i do homework the best.
it's when i enjoy reading the Word the most.
it's where i (seem) to hear the Lord speak to me the clearest.
it's where and when i just feel...Him.
and get 'glory bumps' all.over. (goose bumps from His presence)

i've had a lot of thoughts run through my mind the last 6-7 months.
i have a really hard time deciphering what's just in my mind,
or what God's possibly or obviously telling me.
i haaaaaate that feeling.

and it's at night where i conjure up these huge desires and dreams and ideas of what i think God wants me to do with my life as a now,
future mother (?),
and Christ follower.
it's the time where i'm the most daring with the ^^ above.
(then morning comes and i think "how silly". and everything is erased.

is it Him saying, "Yes, do this." "Go here." "Pursue this." "I want you to _______."
or is it me thinking and desiring that?
or is it me thinking and feeling, "No, He doesn't mean that." "How could he mean that?" "There's no way He means that, or wants that."  "That's crazy."
but is it really Him saying, "_______________." (???)
because i. don't. know. 

those above ^^ six lines don't even make sense.
so maybe scratch any writing is more clear at night.
HA! I just laughed out loud at that one.

i'm a big ball of 'i dont knowness'.

so as i try to force myself to get into God's word, because i'm scared to what it could say and i either ignore it, or it goes right over my head without me noticing and i miss it....

please pray for me and with me as i ask God for clarity in a multitude of things.

i am SO a sticky note, list, tell-me-exactly-what-to-do kind of person...
who just. doesn't know.

wow, this is a frustrating post- huh?
nighty night.

ps- Jamaica pics and posts to soon follow after Jesus' birthday more than likely.

Merry Christmas mon'  :)

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