Wednesday, June 6, 2012

a bajillion things

the title says it all.

I have a bajillion things on my mind constantly. who doesn't really?

I'm learning a lot about myself lately. I try to process all of the things that race through my mind and then it just all turns to mush.

Relinquishing control to my Savior is so hard. Completely and utterly handing over the reigns and saying, "Here you go, you take it, I can't do it- it's too much and I don't know what I'm doing anyway..." is stinkin hard.

I'm a fixer. I like my ducks in a row as well as everyone else's around me too. I'm not quite a control freak, but close. When others hurt, I hurt, and that makes me wanna fix the hurt- uphold someone else's burdens. I wanna make it all "right". I wanna be the person that can always "help" or "get the job done", make sure all the bases are covered and life doesn't work that way.

Not even close.

Imagine my disappointment when this doesn't work. Over and over again.

But right now, I have to trust that God has things under control. Easier said than done. Totally cliche and I'm tired of always thinking this "cliche" way but it's always very very true. I don't always trust that He truly does have it all under control. None of this surprises Him. And yet, I try to butt-in and "help him out"....almost as if to take the burden off HIS shoulders. Ya right. Come on Kendra. Get a life. Or should I say GIVE UP your life---TO HIM.

I need to daily, hourly, minutely- come to him on my knees in surrender and weakness repenting of my need for control, my need to know everything and how it will turn out, my need to fix everything, my need to bring justice to those who wrong me/my family, to always want to "correct" and "put those in their place" who speak false words, slander, deceit, evil, who are manipulative, etc. I need to apologize to my Lord and turn away from my sin of trying to play "God".

I have to trust that what He says is truth. He doesn't go back on His word or the truths He speaks. He has the whole world in his hands. He has my world in His hands. He has my family in His hands. He knows whats around the corner. He knows the truth. He knows what's going on in each and everyone's hearts. He will bring justice. Maybe not now, and I might never live to see it...but HE KNOWS BEST.

Now to unload it all.

And rest in His peace.

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